Dear Bluebird (March 2014)

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to you to document my recent experience of consuming a packet of Bluebird Grain Waves. Fortunately for you, I won’t take up too much of your time as the experience was so short-lived there is not all that much to write about.

I purchased a 10 pack of Golden Cheddar Grain Waves from Pak N Save in Christchurch earlier this month. Following a very full on morning (a Monday morning I hasten to add), I sat down for a quick lunch break. You can imagine my excitement when I got to one of my snack packs of Grain Waves. Sadly though, little did I realise it, but I was about to open, what I was soon to discover, was nothing more than a bag of disappointment. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Ironically, there was not much else to swallow as I discovered a mere six crisps inside my packet.

I had essentially purchased a bag full of air. Don’t get me wrong, I do place a great deal of value on air – in fact, I would feel rather flat without it, but I was satisfied with the air in my surroundings here in Christchurch rather than having to pay a premium to inhale your vacuum packed air from your plant in Manukau.

I felt a bit short-changed by having just six crisps – this is not adequate to satisfy anybody’s appetite. I am curious as to the mean number of crisps in any given packet, as well as the standard deviation of crisps, as I feel like my packet would have been at least two standard deviations below the mean. Naturally, this probably also puts me at least two standard deviations below the mean when considering satisfied customers. You know as well as I, that anything that is two standard deviations below the mean is something that is a cause for concern, whether it be a child’s receptive vocabulary score, a customer’s satisfaction or say, the number of crisps in a packet.

For someone such as myself, discovering just six crisps in my packet, comes as a disappointment, but as an optimist who consistently sees the positive in the world, fortunately I was able to recover from this traumatic incident, thereby reducing the impact on my holistic quality of life, but the consequences of this could have potentially been very much worse. Imagine (god forbid), that dear old Aunt Hortesse had passed away from oxygen deprivation whilst ascending a mountain (or descending, her direction really is irrelevant), and the hors d’oeuvres at the funeral had consisted of a snack pack of grain waves for each mourner. People think “thank goodness, finally, an alternative to those egg club sandwiches” only to find what is essentially, nothing more than a tease as they find just six crisps. It would turn an already grief filled day into some sort of sick joke as the mourners realise that they collectively are holding in those little snack packs enough air to have kept Aunt Hortesse alive for at least another three months on that snowy mountain top.

Although I do not personally agree with your miniscule packets of crisps, I do believe there is definitely a market for them that you could harness. Have you considered contacting Air New Zealand? I believe your packets of six grain waves would be just what they are looking for to serve as their domestic inflight ‘snack’. They would also serve as the perfect safety mechanism onboard an aircraft – should a plane experience a rapid decompression, one would simply need to open packets of Grain Waves to release more air into the cabin until equilibrium is re-established (based on my estimates, about three packets should do the trick).

Thank you for taking the time to consider my comments and I look forward to your response, including the statistical data (mean and standard deviation) that I have requested.

Kind regards,

Kenny Ardouin

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